Birthstory: the best of both worlds

I think what Geboortpad team did for me, in one sentence, is give me back my self confidence. Both as a mother and as a woman. It is not that I have had lost it, but more like it was never honoured in such a way that it creates the foundation to rely on it in the most vulnerable times. 

My journey with them started around February 2024, when I was almost mid-way in my pregnancy. I was determined to have a homebirth and I was looking for “the” team..

In Belgium, I find that it is not so easy to logistically organise for a homebirth and it remains rather frowned upon. So even finding Geboortpad was a journey in itself. I had contacted around four or five midwives/centers and actually went to see them each, including the only ‘In Hospital Birth Center’, Cocon in Brussels. Because for me, being accompanied through pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding is a feeling, more than anything. I remember one of them even asked me if I am genuinely asking my questions or rather conducting an interview. She got me right. And she failed the “interview”. Because it didn’t feel like a partnership, it felt like she was the “leader”. Yet I was looking for an equal footing.

Fast forward, someone recommended Geboortepad to me. And from the first contact with Alexandra, I discovered such an angelic, kind voice at the other end of the phone call. Two things stroke me right away. The fact that she didn’t mention only me, but “me and my partner”, although it was only me on the phone. It was the first time when someone addressed me as part of my own little ecosystem and not the main actor, in a way which disregards the other half of the seed. The second aspect is that she wasn’t in for an equal footing (that I was searching), she actually placed herself as a guide through a story where my inner guidance was the main voice and she was only supporting it. We spoke about how mandatory the various scans are, whether she uses an old school scanner or not, what she thinks about homebirth and due dates/inductions… Throughout the various visits, she opened a space where I could listen within. As a small disclaimer, I was already rather in tune with my inner voice, it was just that very few people (and only friends) were respecting and honouring it. I didn’t feel this level of honouring and kindness in the medical system. It was present, to a certain level, but not so fully. 

And then the D day came. Of course, I did not know it was the day. I was 40 weeks and 2 days, but was rather certain my pregnancy would go towards 42 weeks. And I was so determined to even go past the 42 weeks and not plan an induction – having researched rather much the topic and having read the book by Sara Wickam, “In her own time”. We did have a plan B, however, in case no signs were there by 42 weeks. 

Alexandra and I had several discussions around the signs and reasons to make the phone call of “Alexandra, it is happening”. On 4 July 2024, around 19h, and WITHOUT having those discussed signs, I felt like asking her whether there are other circumstances in which she could come over even if the signs were not there e.g. contractions were much further apart. And to my surprise and sudden anxiety, she answered that “she will be there in 20 mins”. Because Alexandra is that kind of person – who knows her mommas-to-be so well, that she can immediately read in the way they formulate when something IS happening. Her reply made me realise something WAS happening and it might be the day.

My partner and Alexandra started inflating the pool and preparing the living room. Looking at them it felt surreal, I was scared, but I was in surrender. 

I coped well with what was happening in the first hours. We even managed to record myself dancing in the pool, being so happy that my dream of homebirth was happening. Fast forward, 3-4am in the morning, I wouldn’t dilate more than 6cm and my body was contracting. I was feeling like pushing and couldn’t avoid it. Time was dilating even if I wasn’t and I am not sure after how much time, Alexandra started speaking. “I know you will hate what I will say, but I suggest we go to the hospital”. I did hate it but I also deeply trusted her so much, that although I didn’t feel strong enough to walk and cope with the pain, I just followed her lead and we got to the hospital at 6am.

There were many moments when I just wanted to scream in pain and breath out but she was insisting I breath in, with her. I appreciated her so much as a person and as a professional, that despite my biological urge and instinct, I watched her in the eyes and I took that breath in. That is why it is so important to trust your birth team. There will be moments where you can’t think straight, and having someone you trust alongside you, eases the way.

The birth itself happened in less than 15 minutes, but for those minutes, I had to wait some more hours. At first we needed to wait for the results of some regular blood tests to come in. Then we had to wait for the epidural to make its effect – I did have to make peace with having an epidural, as I would have preferred not to have one, but I was open for the birth plan to not go… well.. according to plan. And after the epidural, we waited for the baby to descend in the right position, which wasn’t possible at home because of the pain I could not lie in the ideal position.

Before the baby was ready to be pushed, I remember asking to try out some pushes, to know what to expect. It was then that I appreciated for real the work I did with my physiotherapist to prepare my pelvic floor for birth. I could sustain longer pushes due to breathing and I could locate the right muscles to make stronger pushes. The doctor and nurses did congratulate me, but at first I thought they say that to every mother to encourage her. It seemed it wasn’t the case. 

The test practice was good for the necessary concertation that followed: one nurse on each of my legs and my partner holding the pillow under my head. They had to work in tandem on each push. I still remember how I was giving directives after each push – correcting one who was too early, one who was lifting me too high… Now I smile, but back then I think I wasn’t. I remember thinking they might get upset.

I think the shift happened in me when I felt I wanted this to be over with. I was ready. I wanted to give birth with the same team that was with me since the morning. There was one more hour before they changed shifts. That is when I declared I am giving birth within the hour. I still remember Alexandra’s look in my eyes and saying out loud “Finally! It is what I was waiting to hear, now you really ARE ready”. 

After one big push, I was told that the head is crowning. And I was asked if I wanted to touch it. I thought it was not hygienic so I refused. Then I was asked if I wanted a mirror to see it. I found this offering so special. I definitely accepted. Only to feel disappointed that what I pictured as almost all the head being out, it was a very small portion visible. That really set me back. But the nurses reassured me that in two big pushes he would be out. And so it was. Without any pain and a second degree tear that I did not feel at all. 

The doctor placed him on my pelvis and said “do you want to pick him up?”. This was another big shift for me. I literally thought she was crazy to ask me that. How on Earth could I pick him up from that position, lying back, and him so slippery – I imagined.

Yet I am not sure how, but in that confident look of the doctor who gave me the time to figure it out, I just became mother. To this date, I am not sure how I did it, but my hands picked my son up to my chest and I really felt I took my new life into my hands. It was 2pm. 

I still remember his big, open eyes, looking deeply into mines. I felt his old soul. His calmness entered the room. He didn’t cry when he got out. Just one second of cry sound, and it was all. That is another shift moment, which partly still aches. There was so much noise around, so many people talking between themselves and even with me, asking if I wanted a single or double room. It felt such an inappropriate discussion to be had in that sacred moment. I felt so zoned out. That is another special moment that I hold dearly from birth: Alexandra always calling me back to the present moment, to my son’s eyes on my nipple, to what mattered. Alexandra looked me in the eyes with reverence and celebration. The look which knows what it means to have gone through the portal. And to this moment I feel that was the only real celebration I felt about giving birth and becoming a mother. 

I remember my son quickly found the nipple and latched. I remember the sensation as being rather different than what I expected. The suckle felt stronger than I thought. But I was happy and relieved that he knew what he had to do and that I felt ready for it.

We had our skin to skin for some 40 minutes, before they did their usual tests, in the same room, under my looks. With an APGAR score of 10, all went well and very quickly we were in our private room, where we spent the following four days, learning how to change diapers, take the first bath and breastfeed. And of course, recover. Taking it all in. Integrating. 

When I think of my birth story, I feel I had the best of both worlds – homebirth and hospital birth, for the aftercare. However, I still grieve to realise I didn’t feel ready enough to birth in my power, at home. In the hospital, I did feel like a patient. Like succumbing to a procedure. I realised I was so brainwashed by the movies I had seen, that when I was asked to choose a doctor, I chose a man – who, in the end, was not available, and I ended up with a woman. The same doctor who I had seen when I was pregnant and I was preparing for a plan B in case I needed one. She respected my choice, but I didn’t feel she supported it. I still remember how she entered the room during birth, with a rather sarcastic smile, saying “so it isn’t that bad at the hospital, huh?”. 

Another brainwash for me was the birth position. I could have tried to push being on one side, but by that point I felt like having to reenact my mental picture in order for birth to happen. That was laying on the back. 

And here we are, ten months after that moment. Realising that motherhood is a process. And that we can become better moms depending on the preparations one has for birth.

I do feel I had the best support through my midwife, and I am happy she exists. I remember there was a moment when I told her that I would shout from the roof of a big building how great she was and that I hope every mother-to-be will have someone like her to accompany them through this process. She is like the old soul, the wise grandmother, the mother when you can’t have yours next to you. I will forever be grateful that we shared those months and those sacred moments.